Posts Tagged ‘plus-sized’

I’d Rather Not Be Perfect

Comments: 1February 1st, 2010 by DJ
I watched the movie Lying to be Perfect on Lifetime last night.  It is based on the book The Cinderella Pact by Sarah Strohmeyer (which I have not read but is now on my to-read list).  From the book blurb, I don’t think the movie went strictly by the book, so to speak, so my comments are only related to the movie at this time, I still hold out hope for the book.
I had been looking forward to this movie but found myself very disappointed.  I believe the theme of the movie was supposed to be “Love and beleive in yourself no matter what your size.”  But, I beleive it fell very short of that and the message it actually sent was, “Love and believe in yourself as long as you can lose large amounts of wieght in four months and turn out as hot as Poppy Montgomery”.  I felt like fat women were portrayed as donut eating slobs, who only have to “make up their minds” to lose wieght and look better.  And why, if women of all sizes are beautiful, didn’t they have a woman of size portray the character instead of the thin (and quite beautiful) Poppy Montgomery? Oh, wait, I know! Because there is no way for a REAL woman to look like Poppy did in a fat suit and lose wieght in four months and then suddenly look like she did at the end of the movie sans-fat suit.
Women are beautiful at any size, and the stereotypes the media, including fiction books and movies, fuels the unhealthy self-esteem issues of real women.  I know women who are under what would be considered a healthy weight for their body type, yet the obsess constantly on whether or not they are fat.  I know about image issues first hand.  I am a large woman.  I am over 140 pounds over wieght.  When I was in high school, I was not.  I was maybe ten or fifteen pounds more than what would be considered normal.  Yet when I looked in the mirror at 18, I saw the same thing I see now.  I saw rolls of fat, huge breasts, enormous hips, a body no man would ever want.  I felt so low I would cry myself to sleep because I was positive I was going to be an old maid who died alone because no one would ever love me.
When I look at the pictures of me then, I still want to cry.  I cry for that beautiful young girl who had no idea how beautiful she was because she couldn’t fit the “norm” of society.  I wonder at how her life might have been different if she had been able to see herself through the eyes I have now.  I am not saying I don’t still have those moments of insecurity.  Oh, trust me I do.  Years of conditioning has taken it’s tole.  But intellectually I can see things from a different angle now that I couldn’t at 18.  I know I am beautiful just the way I am.
I know that there are many reasons to lose wieght, and health is at the top.  I also know that losing wieght is not as easy as alot of people make it seem.  I also know that to get a man to love you or so you can fit in to society are not reasons to lose wieght.  Women come in every shape, size, color, age, and personality.  And regardless of what society might have you beleive, men love women of every shape, size, color, age and personality.  Alot of times people who would love us don’t see us because we work so hard to make ourselves invisible.  Why? Because everything there is out there on TV and to read says we aren’t worth love.
Well, I know that isn’t true.  I am standing up to say now, I know that you don’t have to be a perfect size 0 to be beautiful and worth loving.  Actually who gets to decide the definition of “perfect”?  I am fat (I don’t see it as a four-letter word–it is what it is), my hair is frizzy, I need some pretty extensive dental work, I have a loud mouth I rarely know when to shut, I can be way to chipper, I am a geek who spends more time writing, online, or with my nose in a book than anything else, I hate cleaning house, and my clothes are always wrinkled.  But desipite all of these character traits, I know that there is someone out there who will love me just as I am.
So, I say ladies, stand up with me and say: I AM BEAUTIFUL AS I AM AND I’D RATHER NOT BE “PERFECT”!

I watched the movie Lying to be Perfect on Lifetime last night.  It is based on the book The Cinderella Pact by Sarah Strohmeyer (which I have not read but is now on my to-read list).  From the book blurb, I don’t think the movie went strictly by the book, so to speak, so my comments are only related to the movie at this time, I still hold out hope for the book.

I had been looking forward to this movie but found myself very disappointed.  I believe the theme of the movie was supposed to be “Love and beleive in yourself no matter what your size.”  But, I beleive it fell very short of that and the message it actually sent was, “Love and believe in yourself as long as you can lose large amounts of wieght in four months and turn out as hot as Poppy Montgomery”.  I felt like fat women were portrayed as donut eating slobs, who only have to “make up their minds” to lose wieght and look better.  And why, if women of all sizes are beautiful, didn’t they have a woman of size portray the character instead of the thin (and quite beautiful) Poppy Montgomery? Oh, wait, I know! Because there is no way for a REAL woman to look like Poppy did in a fat suit and lose wieght in four months and then suddenly look like she did at the end of the movie sans-fat suit.

Women are beautiful at any size, and the stereotypes the media, including fiction books and movies, fuels the unhealthy self-esteem issues of real women.  I know women who are under what would be considered a healthy weight for their body type, yet the obsess constantly on whether or not they are fat.

Me NowI know about image issues first hand.  I am a large woman.  I am over 140 pounds over wieght.  When I was in high school, I was not.  I was maybe ten or fifteen pounds more than what would be considered normal.  Yet when I looked in the mirror at 18, I saw the same thing I see now.  I saw rolls of fat, huge breasts, enormous hips, a body no man would ever want.  I felt so low I would cry myself to sleep because I was positive I was going to be an old maid who died alone because no one would ever love me.

High School MeWhen I look at the pictures of me then, I still want to cry.  I cry for that beautiful young girl who had no idea how beautiful she was because she couldn’t fit the “norm” of society.  I wonder at how her life might have been different if she had been able to see herself through the eyes I have now.  I am not saying I don’t still have those moments of insecurity.  Oh, trust me I do.  Years of conditioning has taken it’s tole.  But intellectually I can see things from a different angle now that I couldn’t at 18.  I know I am beautiful just the way I am.

I know that there are many reasons to lose wieght, and health is at the top.  I also know that losing wieght is not as easy as alot of people make it seem.  I also know that to get a man to love you or so you can fit in to society are not reasons to lose wieght.  Women come in every shape, size, color, age, and personality.  And regardless of what society might have you beleive, men love women of every shape, size, color, age and personality.  Alot of times people who would love us don’t see us because we work so hard to make ourselves invisible.  Why? Because everything there is out there on TV and to read says we aren’t worth love.

Well, I know that isn’t true.  I am standing up to say now, I know that you don’t have to be a perfect size 0 to be beautiful and worth loving.  Actually who gets to decide the definition of “perfect”?  I am fat (I don’t see it as a four-letter word–it is what it is), my hair is frizzy, I need some pretty extensive dental work, I have a loud mouth I rarely know when to shut, I can be way to chipper, I am a geek who spends more time writing, online, or with my nose in a book than anything else, I hate cleaning house, and my clothes are always wrinkled.  I am whiney, goofy, bossy, air-headed, and sometimes I forget to believe I’m beautiful and that makes me even more whiney.   But desipite all of these character traits, I know that there is someone out there who will love me just as I am.

So, I say ladies, stand up with me and say: I AM BEAUTIFUL AS I AM AND I’D RATHER NOT BE “PERFECT”!

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From The Outside In

Comments: 0September 6th, 2009 by DJ

From the Outside In

By DJ Alling

This is an essay dedicated to my Mommy, my MiMi, and every other person on the planet whose body doesn’t cooperate with their mind and spirit.

About a year ago I worked at a not-for-profit agency that works primarily with senior citizens.  On a small bulletin board near the boardroom a paper is posted that, in big, bold font says, “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”  From the first time I read that, I was sure I knew what it meant.  Society tends to see people for their physical appearance and abilities and tends to discredit the intelligence and spirit that resides within.  I have always thought of myself as a moderately empathetic person and thought I could clearly understand and relate with the confusion and frustration having a body that doesn’t work as well as it used to can cause in an older person   However, I recently learned that I didn’t truly understand as much as I should, and that I was being narrow-minded by thinking that phrase could only be applied to those who have reached senior citizen status.
I could picture a young person who was smart and intelligent and who felt she had value to the world, and because of her age, health and physical abilities everyone else thought so as well.  I then pictured that same person, still with the same intelligence and drive to make a difference, yet suddenly her body isn’t cooperating, and neither is the rest of the world.
A few mornings ago I was getting ready to go to work, and, as I slopped sticky goo into my hair that is supposed to make every hair stay in its place, but rarely does, I stopped dead in my tracks.  The image in the steam fogged mirror suddenly seemed completely foreign to me.  I stared, yet could not recognize the woman staring back at me.

It wasn’t one of those moments of clarity where one begins to question her life values and ethics in Life.  I feel pretty confident with who I am on the inside.  Though my beliefs have changed over the years, I’ve kept up with it pretty well and am in confident in who I am spiritually.  Physically, however, I suddenly realized that though I look in the mirror every day, I have obviously not been seeing anything.

I have always been considered by society, and myself, as fat.  I am and always have been a very solidly built female.  And while emotionally that has always been a sore spot for me, I’ve always considered myself a healthy and active person who could do anything physically, if I wanted to.  I also considered myself very shapely and attractive.  Big bones and wide hips had never deterred me from doing the things I wanted to do.

Then, that morning I suddenly had to take a closer look.  Sometime over the years the broad, yet firm young girl has disappeared into layers of softness.  I stared for half an hour just at my hands.  The phrase “big boned” was truthfully one I could always apply to myself.  I have always had short, wide, stubby fingers, but somewhere they have virtually disappeared.  As I held my hand up in front of the mirror, it more closely resembled a latex glove that had been blown up into a balloon with nubs instead of fingers poking out than the nimble appendage I had always perceived it to be.  I couldn’t understand how they could be the same fingers that fly over the keyboard and quickly and efficiently churn out the hundreds, if not thousands of words I write each day at work or in chat with my friends.
The longer I stared, the more anomalies I found.  Hips that had once been large yet firm were lumpy and dimpled.  Skin that was once smooth and supple hung with a texture that was suspiciously like that of skin on raw chicken.
As surprised as I was at the physical changes that had seemingly crept up on me, it wasn’t the first signs that things had been changing.  I finally had to admit what I’d been so desperately trying to deny.  I wasn’t as young and healthy as I once was.  I was still of the firm mind that thirty-two is not that old, but my body had been telling me otherwise for some months.  Ten years before I often danced all night, then ran home for a shower, then off to work all day.  But in the past year, walking a block had me puffing like a freight train.  The young girl who had once been an active belly dancer was still inside and screamed in frustration when I couldn’t last more than five minutes in aerobics class.  And I finally had to admit I wasn’t as spry as I once was when I found my self scrambling like a turtle on its back because I sat in the floor and couldn’t get up.
The changes in my physical being hadn’t really sneaked up on me; they were the culmination of years of not paying attention.  My mind rebelled at the spreading hips and aging lungs.  I had finally been slapped in the bloated and chubby face by reality.  And while this reality set in motion the expected resolutions, eat right, exercise more, buy expensive moisturizers, it also brought something else home.
Inside me I was still that young and active 22 year old, but my body wasn’t.  It didn’t change the fact that I didn’t think of myself as old at all and had the hopes for many more years to come.  But it did make me realize that, as much as I thought I understood that saying on the office wall, I really hadn’t.  That simple saying only skims the surface of the horror a person can feel when her body no longer works as well as his or her mind, whether the affliction is age, weight gain, illness, or injury.
Diet plans and skin care regimens will come and go, but they are not the real fruits of my realization.  The real prize is an understanding that had eluded me thus far.  Worth, especially self-worth, comes from somewhere much deeper than crinkled skin and fat thighs.

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Feeling Sexy at ANY Size

Comments: 0September 6th, 2009 by DJ
Feeling Sexy At ANY Size
by DJ Alling (previously published at Suite Magazine)
All sexy women are six feet tall, 105 pounds, and have flawless skin and hair, right?  Wrong!  It is very easy to feel frumpy and non-sexual when you are inundated with tall, thin, socalled “perfect” women every time you turn on the TV, go to a movie, or open amagazine. The society message today is that “perfect” and thin is the norm, and if you area real woman you are ugly, fat, sexless and doomed to be alone because no man will have you. I know this sounds harsh, but it is surprising just how many women get that exact message.

The biggest problem with this school of thought is, “perfect” women do not exist. It may be cliché but beauty and “perfect” truly is in the eye of the beholder.  For example, is a bulbous forehead, broad nose and wide-set eyes “beautiful”? If you say no, then you’ve just excluded Tyra Banks.  What about “fish lips” a somewhat scrunched face, long non-descript hair? If you shake your head, then Denise Richards has likewise been stricken from the list.  Okay… what about short? Then say bye-bye to Hallie Berry.  So, what makes wide hips a bigger “flaw” than “fish lips” or being short?  Nothing except our own personal perceptions.  It is definitely a shot in the arm to see beautiful “real sized” women like Star Jones, Cameryn Manheim, and teen Raven Simone in the spotlight, but they are the exception. It seems as if real sexy women who have hips and thighs are an abnormality, instead of the actuality that the average American woman is size 14 or over.

So, what makes a woman sexy? Size zero jeans and boyish hips? Sure, tell that to Queen Latifah. Do you have to be rich and have a personal hair stylist and clothes that cost more than most people’s homes to be sexy if you happen to be over a size 2? Well, it
definitely doesn’t hurt, but it’s not necessary!  Sexy isn’t a state of being it’s a state of mind. Your dress size, your bra size, or your bank account size doesn’t dictate sexy. Sexy definitely isn’t determined by what popular media says men think.  Did you know the super voluptuous Marilyn Monroe is still one of the hottest selling pinups?  The Internet is clogged with sites dedicated to “big beautiful woman” porn, singles, and chats.  Granted a “men seeking bbw’s” chat room may not be where you want to meet your mister right, but if men truly listened to what the popular media says about beauty, these things would not exist.

Men think what we allow them to think when it comes to what is or isn’t desirable. If you
go around feeling undesirable, you are going to put out that vibe to everyone around you.
Take control of your sexuality. Feeling sensual and desirable isn’t as hard as it sounds. As a matter of fact, the most seductive thing about a woman can be her confidence. If you feel good about yourself, that is going to radiate from you, and others are going to feel good about you. There are things you can do, that don’t include dieting yourself to death, which can make a world of difference about how you feel inside. The better you feel inside, the better you look on the outside.  Easier said than done, right?  Not necessarily. Here are a few things you can do to get yourself feeling as sexy as you truly are:

Pamper yourself.
That’s right! Take an hour or two away from the job, the husband, the kids, what ever it is that keeps you feeling like you are running on empty. Light some candles, take a bubble bath, listen to a relaxing CD, read a trashy book, or do all four at the same time.

Take care of your skin.
Yes, I said it! I’m not saying load up on wrinkle creams, or cake make-up to hide flaws. It isn’t about flaws, and it isn’t about make-up. It’s about looking and feeling fresh. Clean healthy skin puts off a sexy glow.
Eat right.
No, I am not going to start on one of those lose weight tangents. It’s not about dieting or being thin, or even thinner. It is about feeling good. Heavy, greasy, and sugary foods make you feel sluggish and don’t give your body the nourishment it needs. Fruits, vegetables and lots of water will help give you that healthy glow.
Wear perfume.
Not only does a nice sensual fragrance turn on a man, but also I dare you not to feel sexy when you smell good enough to eat.

Dress sexy.
You can’t FEEL sexy in baggy sweatpants. Believe it or not, you can dress however you want. Society cannot make you wear nothing but jeans and T-shirts that hide every perceived flaw. Not that jeans and a T-shirt can’t be sexy; trust me it can. But spice it up occasionally. You can show a little skin, and yes, it is sexy. Also, contrary to popular belief, there are places out there that make sexy clothes for women of any size.

Wear sexy lingerie.
Whether you have a man or not, there is nothing that will make you feel sexier than wearing a little lace something next to your skin. A lot of women shy away from sexy lingerie because they think they can’t find it in their size, or they think they will look silly. Trust me, if your husband or significant other comes home to find you on the bed smelling good and wearing something black, see through, and barely there, silly will be the LAST thought in his brain. If there is a thought at all!
Turn your bedroom into a love nest.
Again, it doesn’t matter if you have a husband, a boyfriend, lots of boyfriends, or none at all. Your environment can make you feel sexy. Get lots of soft throw pillows, a soft comforter, and satin sheets, spread scented candles around the room and light them regularly. Not only will it make you feel better to wake up to such a pleasing environment, but it will be super sexy when you do decide to bring someone home to show your lingerie to.

The most important thing to remember is to be confident in who you are as a woman.  Your sexuality isn’t defined by society; you define it. You can be as sexy as you want to be. You are as sexy as you feel.

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